Learning To Breathe

When I was young, mom signed me up for swimming lessons. I liked them well enough and always enjoyed playing in the water. When it was time for us to learn about swimming in the deep end, my instructor took us over and had us hang on to the edge of the pool while she talked about deep water safety. Instead of listening, my friend and I started to play a game of who could take their hands off the edge of the pool for the longest while still staying afloat. I lost. My head went under and I kicked frantically to try and raise myself to the surface. My heart started racing. My brain went into panic mode. I thought about what would happen if I died. Then, in one single moment, I felt a pair of strong hands around my waist and was lifted to the surface, taking in a breath that I felt I had waited years to fill my lungs with. The lifeguard who had saved me softly asked, "Are you ok?" Overwhelmed with embarrassment and relief, I nodded that I was. The whole ordeal couldn't have lasted more than 10-15 seconds, as my swimming instructor was still talking when I came back to the surface. Yet it felt as though I was under water for much much longer.
In a way, I feel as though I am still in that swimming pool. And instead of listening on how to swim in the deep end of adulthood, I played games instead. Now I feel like I'm drowning. Struggling to breathe. Struggling to save myself. I'm 23 and what have I done with my life? Others my age are married and starting families of their own. They're graduating from University and pursuing careers. They're falling in love. They're living on their own. I, however, am living with my mother. I'm working a part time job and looking for another so that I can support the both of us. I have a combined 2 years of post-secondary education with nothing to show for it. My soul aches with longing to find the one I'm meant for. I feel as though I am trapped in a pit of sorrow and poverty and am desperately trying to claw my way out. BUT. In the times where I feel like I'm about to drown, I feel God's strong arms around me and around my heart. He holds my heart in His hands when it feels too heavy for me to carry. He helps me to the surface where I can breathe. He is teaching me to swim in the deep end. It is the times where I don't trust God that I feel myself start to drown again. And every time He helps me to breathe again, I feel overwhelmed with relief...and embarrassment that I have forgotten again about His glory. Yet, no matter how many times I forget, God will always be there...loving me. What an extraordinary feeling: God's awesome love.

"I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall"
- Switchfoot: Learning to Breathe