This Blog Title Is Cryptic And Written By A Band You've Never Heard Of

I don't even need drugs

2010-02-22T02:46:00.000-08:00

So the past couple of weeks have been interesting, to say the least. My brain has not been functioning properly. It started in the last few days of my visit to Canada. I started having dizzy spells which progressively got worse, to the point where I felt like I was drunk. I was having trouble saying my sentences properly, and I was having trouble focusing - both mentally and visually. It was both frustrating and scary. It's gotten better bit by bit, but I still don't feel completely normal.
However. After working til quarter after 2 a.m. Saturday night, I had to be at work at 10 a.m. Sunday morning. Running on 5 hours of sleep, something happened towards the end of my shift on Sunday that really stressed me out to the max. Fortunately it was resolved within a few minutes, but in that time of stress, I was literally seeing spots and my ears were ringing. That's when it dawned on me: Could this whole thing be totally mental and caused by stress? If me getting stressed out at work caused me to see spots, it's a definite possibility. I'm working, I'm in a serious relationship, I'm planning a wedding and honeymoon, and I'm looking for a new place. It doesn't look like much in writing, but wedding planning is by far the most stressful thing I've done in years. The thing that's the most stressful is not organizing everything, but having to deal with everyone else's input of how they think your wedding should be. And listening to their expressions of disappointment that your wedding is not what they want. A friend of mine that just got married recently wrote me to suggest a wedding photographer. In that email she also thanked me for being so nice to her and her husband a few days before the wedding. She expressed that weddings bring up a lot of ugly stuff so it was nice to have someone around that was genuinely happy for them. I sort of understood what she meant when I first read it, but as time goes by and the wedding date gets closer, I understand more and more. Engagements and weddings are supposed to be a celebratory time, but the only thing I feel like celebrating is that it's going to be over soon and I can just be married.
If anyone has any suggestions of how I can de-stress enough to just feel like I'm in a normal headspace, that would be appreciated more than I can say.

All Wedding, All The Time

2010-02-08T23:46:00.000-08:00

I've been in Canada for the past 2 weeks visiting family and friends, with the main goal of designing and getting fabric for The Dress. The trip has been delightful. Full of tea, home-cooked meals, family and friends. There was a bachelorette party and bridal shower thrown in there as well. I'm going to miss tea, my friends, and - especially - my mom when I leave but I'm comforted by the fact that I will see many of my friends and my mom at my wedding in a little over 3 months. And then the lightbulb goes and I realize: HOLY CUPCAKES I'M GETTING MARRIED IN JUST OVER 3 MONTHS! I'm going to be white-dress-wearing, aisle-strutting, vow-exchanging, picture-posing, cake-cutting, first-dancing, bloomin' MARRIED. How crazy is that? Crazy cool.

A few things I'm excited for in married life:
*Our own place. It means our own bedroom, our own kitchen, our own washer and drier, our own stuff. Making meals for each other and even being able to walk around stark naked if we want!
*The Honeymoon. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, saynomore. Of course, I'm talking about getting to take a really nice vacation with someone I love...
*Developing a married life routine. Most married couples cringe at the word and I can understand why, but I am a creature of routine and some can be nice. Like having breakfast together every morning.

I've gotten some really good marriage advice while I've been here which has been both comforting and empowering. Everyone has been really nice and thoughtful as well. A few people have offered to contribute their own art as a wedding present which I think is really cool. I've always wanted to have a lot of art around my house and it's even better that I'll have some by people I know and love!

Well I must be off now to bed since I have to wake up early to drive to Toronto with my mom to look at dress fabric. Woo!

Sigh of Relief

2010-01-18T23:20:00.000-08:00

It's all coming together. Thankfully I'll only be getting married once in my life (fingers crossed), so I'll be able to look back on these wedding planning months with a smile. We have the ceremony and reception sites booked! We're having the ceremony in the back yard of James' parents' house, where he grew up (and proposed to me). His mom and step-dad were really excited and sweet when we told them our plans for using the back yard for the ceremony. James' step-dad even said he'd build a gazebo for us to get married in! So James is planning on heading down there for a couple of weeks, after he finishes school in the spring to help get the place ready. The reception is going to be held at a place called Angel's Landing, which is a part of Best Friends Animal Sanctuary. I lived at Best Friends until I was 6 so I think it's pretty neat that the ceremony and reception are both happening in places where we grew up. Angel's Landing is beautiful, so I'm really excited to be having our reception there. Here's pictures!

So yeah it's a pretty nice place. There's a little river underneath the arch as I recall. If any of you creative types have any ideas for decorations, please feel free to give me your input! Instead of having the reception catered, we're going to give the guests maps of the city (with the programs for the ceremony) that have all the restaurants marked on it, and let them explore the city and eat where they want. Then, at the reception, we're just going to have a bunch of candy and treats for everyone. One of the general themes for the wedding is playfulness/fun/childhood, since we've known each other since we were kids, so I think the candy fits in well with that.

I've also got a pretty good idea of what I want my dress to look like. I'm flying up to Canada next week to visit my mom and go fabric shopping with her, since she's making my dress. Here's some pictures of the dresses I like :)

All of these are actually by the Disney Fairy Tale Weddings bridal line, which is why they have the names of Disney Princesses on them.

I like the Belle one the best.

We've also decided to use an iPod instead of a DJ (which I like because that means we can pick our own songs instead of relying on someone else), so if anyone has song suggestions then let's hear them!

I guess that's it for now!

I now understand Bridezillas

2009-12-30T16:48:00.000-08:00

So you know how some people say, "Ohmygosh I had SO much fun being engaged and planning my wedding!" Well, I'm pretty sure all those people had wedding planners or coordinators. Otherwise, they're crazy. This is the most stressed out I've been in a while. What's our wedding budget? Who do we invite? Where are we having it? Who are we going to get to officiate? Is the reception going to be dinner or buffet? Who are we going to get to cater? What are our wedding colors? Who's going to be part of our bridal party? Where are our out-of-town guests going to stay? Where will we go on our honeymoon? Who's going to be our photographer? Who's going to make our cake? Who's going to be the videographer? Will the wedding be paid bar, dry, or B.Y.O.B.? And the question that immediately comes after every single one of those other questions: Can we afford it? Other thoughts we've had: Crap, we need to join a gym so we can look sexy by the wedding. We need to whiten our teeth.
I've noticed - in my wedding research - that the more expensive and big everything is, the higher the wedding is rated. 1,000 guests and a $50,000 budget = super great wedding. According to bridal magazines and websites. And the word that I most often see is "lavish". Lavish proposal. Lavish wedding. Lavish reception. Lavish bridal shower. Lavish bachelorette party. Lavish wedding dress. If it's lavish it's considered good. Well, James and I have never been especially lavish people. Right now we want to have our wedding in the back yard of James' parents house in Kanab, with the reception in this natural ampitheatre where I first lived in Kanab. We'll probably end up only having about 100 guests and have it catered locally. Not lavish, but very meaningful. Just like the proposal wasn't especially lavish. No rose petals everywhere, no horseback riding on the beach. But it was very meaningful. And I'd rather have a wedding/reception that is intimate and meaningful so that we can save our money for a - say it with me - LAVISH honeymoon.
Now that we have an almost-for-sure date set and an almost-for-sure wedding and reception site, I am much happier. That was the only thing that needed to be decided immediately, just so I could book the sites and tell everyone that lives out of town. I have yet to send out an official "save the date" but hopefully that'll be coming soon. So now that I don't have to worry about being lavish I can just concentrate on being genuine. And that is much less stressful.

Sooooooo.....

2009-12-24T23:18:00.000-08:00

Guess what?

I'M ENGAGED! Oh yes, my friends! It happened! James proposed tonight in front of his entire family, and I - of course - said YES! Wanna hear the story? Well, if you don't then stop reading now.

It was Christmas Eve and all through the house, everyone was excited because the family tradition is opening one gift on Christmas Eve! It's typically pajamas, which is what I got (thank you James) but then James' mom handed me another gift. I opened it, and it was my very own, handmade, personal stocking, with my name written on it. This was extremely special because usually people don't get a stocking until they've married into the family. So I cried because it was so sweet and it meant I was part of the family already. Then we watched his other family members open their pajama presents, while I hugged my beloved stocking to myself. After the presents had been opened, someone said, "Well, is that everything?" Everyone nodded. Then James said, "Actually...I have one more gift...for Emma." He pulled out a medium sized present and handed it to me. I started shaking. I thought, "Oh. My. Gosh. Is this it? No no no...don't psyche yourself out Emma. He told you he couldn't afford it yet. This isn't it." So - shaking - I unwrapped the present. Inside was another, slightly smaller, wrapped present. I laughed and unwrapped that present, only to find another - you guessed it - slightly smaller wrapped present. This happened a couple more times before I came to an oval, wooden box. Breath held, I opened the box and saw...nothing. I showed the empty box to James and he laughed. He said, "It's a promise." I looked down, trying to figure out what that meant, and when I looked up he was down on one knee - ring in hand. I threw my hands over my face and started sobbing happily. Then James said,"Emma, I love you. And I would be honored if you would be my wife and become a part of this family. Will you marry me?" Squeals from his family ensued as I managed to sob out a, "YES!" We hugged and both cried together and after a very happy kiss, he put the ring on my finger. His brother filmed the entire thing. And even though my hair has that weird I-had-my-hair-in-a-ponytail-earlier look, and I'm crying throughout most of it, I'm still very happy that it was filmed. Afterwards his family (and I mean his WHOLE family. All of his 6 other siblings were there, 2 with husbands and children, along with his grandmother, his mother, and his step-father.) came up and hugged us and congratulated us. And, of course, pictures were taken.
I am elated. Walking on a cloud. Still in a little bit of shock. I can't stop looking at this GORGEOUS ring. I'm the happiest, luckiest girl in the world.

Falalalala...la la...la...laaaaa

2009-12-23T17:32:00.000-08:00

Every Christmas season for the past several years now, I kind of get a little down because I know that my Christmas wont be like most other peoples'. Usually my Christmases have involved opening my dad's presents to me at his house, then driving to my brother's and watching his family opening presents. Sometimes I'll spend the night at my brother's while my dad drives back to SLC to go to some party his friends are having or something. It's not that I have any complaints about it, I just know that it's not the normal...thing. It's not a huge family deal with lots of relatives and food and traditions and presents. So it always made me a little sad to hear about everyone else's Christmases and how, well, normal they were.
This year, however, is different. This year I'm spending Christmas with James' family. And, from what James has told me, they have some pretty long-standing Christmas traditions. Now, call me old fashioned, but I have always wanted to have a Christmas surrounded by a big family with a bunch of cool traditions. I love traditions. For example: James' dad passed away 12 years ago in early December. Today, I asked him and his brother why there were apple and strawberry ornaments on their Christmas tree. His brother told me that, after their dad passed away, some people came and put up a tree in their house and decorated it like that. They've decorated it the same way every year since. It's a little heartbreaking, but I think it's also very sweet. I am so honored and excited to be spending this Christmas with this big, loving, happy, fun, funny family.
At the same time, there are also things that happen every Christmas season that break me out of my pity party and make me remember what the season is about. What every season should be about: Love. I have always been surrounded by so much love. Whether it's friends or family, I've always had so many people that I love and who love me. There have always been so many people who have been so kind to both me and my mom. It's often the only reason we've gotten through difficult times. Last year, one of my friends brought my mom flowers for Christmas. This year another friend brought her a very generous and thoughtful gift. I've had other friends that will call my mom on Christmas to wish her well, because they know that I'm out of town and she misses me. No matter how untraditional my Christmases have been, I have always been reminded of my greatest blessing and gift: Love. I have the most wonderful and extraordinary people in my life, and that will always be the best gift I could ever ask for.
So, to all of my friends who have been so wonderful to both me and my mom over the years: Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and have a wonderful Holiday :)

It's Winter

2009-12-02T22:50:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's already December. It's absolute madness! I feel like it was summer last week. Where did the time go? I've been living in Utah for almost a year, working at G.S. for 6 months. Which is quite a feat for me since I never usually stay at a job for longer than 4 months.
While looking up flight prices to visit Canada in January, I took a peek a cruise prices. They're actually kind of cheap! Although I just did a general search with no specific dates or destinations, so there's probably some sort of sneaky fee hiding somewhere if I looked into it further. But now I really want to go on a cruise! I've never been on one, aside from when I was 16 and me and my mom took a "cruise" on this really crappy boat. Not a cruise ship, I refuse to call it that. It looked like a tugboat compared to the other cruise ships. But we did get to go to the Bahamas. It was one of those time share things where they trick you into thinking you're getting a really good deal but you're actually not. Anyway. I want to go on a real cruise. Someday.
Since it really is December, that means it really is winter now. I decided to make a little playlist of songs that make me think of winter. They're not all necessarily about winter, but they're just songs that - in some way or another - remind me of winter.

Bloc Party - Signs
(I think it's the bells in this that make me think of winter. Winter = songs with bells)

Joni Mitchell - River

Iron and Wine - Cinders And Smoke
(The harmonies in this feel like winter to me. Plus cinders and smoke = fire = winter)

Feist - Mushaboom
(She talks about "knee deep snow" in this song.)

Rogue Wave - Eyes
(I think the main reason this reminds me of winter is because it was in the movie Just Friends and the whole movie is set during the winter.)

That's all I can think of...but if I think of any more I'll be sure to post them throughout this winter!

P.S. The beauty of living in Utah is that it's only snowed once here. It hasn't snowed at all in Kanab. Hahahah!

At Least Thanksgiving Was Happy...

2009-11-28T20:47:00.000-08:00

I'm glad I had a great Thanksgiving, otherwise this week would have been completely awful! It started off with me getting the flu, which really ticked me off because I haven't had the flu in like 2 years. Fortunately I was well enough to go to Kanab for Thanksgiving. Then today...OH today.
TODAY: Speeding down the highway, on my way to work, when suddenly the car starts shaking and it sounds like there's a helicopter flying over the car. I actually looked up at the sky to see if there WAS a helicopter. But no. Not a helicopter. I started pulling over to the side of the road because it dawned on me that this MIGHT be a flat tire (I've never had one before). It was a little difficult/scary because it was hard to control the car, but I made it and put on my hazard lights. I got out and looked at all the tires and found the culprit. Not just a flat tire...a completely shredded, blown out tire.

Since it was James' car that I was driving, I called James. It immediately went to voicemail so I left him a panicked message about what had happened. Then I called work and told the girl working the front desk what had happened (her reaction: "You had a blowout on the highway? Oh, HELL NO, girl!"), and said I'd try and make it into work as soon as I could. I called James again; it went straight to voicemail. I realized that his phone must have died and he wasn't aware of it yet. My mind went into panic mode and I started calling EVERYONE I could think of that lives in the same city James does to go knock on his door and tell him to answer his phone. As if by some phenomenon, NOBODY answered their phone. I even used the internet on my phone to try and look up the number of the family James lives with. Nothing. I found the address, but not the number. I ended up calling my dad and telling him what was going on. He said he'd come get me to take me to work, and we'd just leave the car on the side of the road. He said if he couldn't get ahold of James he'd call a tow truck to get it towed. I didn't like the thought of the car getting towed without James' knowledge or consent, but it didn't seem like there was any other choice. I'd checked for a spare tire but hadn't found one. While I was calling around, a guy in a van pulled up and asked if I was ok; asked if he could take me somewhere to get a spare tire. He didn't seem creepy in the first place, but he also said, "I'm not trying to force myself on you...I'm a nice LDS guy!" which made me laugh. I told him thank you - but I was ok because my dad was coming. Shortly after, a Highway Patrol man came by and said pretty much the same thing. Asked if I was ok, if I had a spare. He was really nice. Soon after that, my dad came and picked me up and we left the car. I went into work and was really upset about leaving the car on the highway, the thought of having to get it towed and how much that would cost, wondering how I'd be getting home tonight, and not being able to get ahold of James to let him know all this was going on. I was talking to some of the girls I work with about it and started crying, so one of the girls offered to take over my shift since she was going to be sent home anyway because they didn't need her as a server. We cleared it with my manager and I left to start walking to my dad's house. I called James while walking and, to my relief, he answered! I told him what was going on and he apologized and said his phone had died and he didn't know where it was. He drove up on his motorcycle and met me and my dad at his car on the side of the highway. Turns out he DID have a spare tire but it was one of those sneaky ones underneath the carpet in his trunk. I'm a girl, I have no idea about this kind of stuff. Where to look for a spare. However, after today I now know how to change a tire! So, it ended up being a pretty stressful day, but I know I was blessed in a lot of ways too. It was one of the rear tires that blew out, which is better than if it had been a front one. That would have been very dangerous. Also, when the tire blew, I was able to keep fairly good control of the car instead of it spinning out or something. And, pretty miraculously, I was able to get over to the side of the highway quickly without there being a lot of traffic. There was somebody at work who was readily able to cover my shift so I could focus on getting the car thing taken care of instead of worrying about it for the next 9 hours while I worked. So, yes, crappy stressful day, but there were also many blessings which I'm thankful for. Everyone is safe, which is the most important thing!

And I can't think of a good way to end this so I'll just say: Thanks, God, for helping me out today :)

Gobble Gobble

2009-11-25T23:07:00.000-08:00

I'm in Kanaaaab for Thanksgiviiiing. AMERICAN Thanksgiving! I haven't been in the U.S. for Thanksgiving in about a decade. I am stoked!
I love this town. I love the red cliffs. I love that we only have 2 stoplights here. I love that the movie theatre only shows 1 movie per week, running Wednesday through Saturday, beginning at 8 p.m. every night. I love that I was in the same class as the son of the people who own the theatre. But I think what really makes this town great are the people who live here. Namely James' family. I always have the best time whenever I visit and I'm positive it's because of them. They are all the nicest, liveliest, funnest people. Every day that I spend here just feels like the best day ever. Some of the happiest moments of my life have been spent in this town with this family. I just can't say enough! I'm thankful to be spending Thanksgiving in the town that I grew up in, with the family of the person I love.

Annnnd that's about all I have to say! I hope everyone reading this is happy, healthy, and safe :)

I'm the worst procrastinator of all time

2009-11-06T10:05:00.000-08:00

I'm eating cold toast and coffee. I should be getting ready for work. But am I? No...not really. I was absolutely delighted when I looked in my dad's fridge this morning (I stayed the night because I worked til 2 a.m. then have to work at noon today and my house is a 45 minute drive away) and saw Orange Marmalade! I looooooooove Orange Marmalade. Whenever I eat it, I think of Canada. Eating cold toast and tea. And then I remember this story that one of my old friends told me once about visiting his gramma. My friend was visiting his gramma one time and it's apparently an old tradition or just something that they do regularly where she lives to eat cold toast and tea. So she made some tea and toast for my friend and he ate and drank happily. But his gramma was starting to have memory problems so she'd forget how much toast she already made him and make him some more. Being the nice, polite boy that he was, he couldn't break his gramma's heart and refuse...so he just kept eating more toast. And she kept making more toast. Pretty soon he'd eaten an entire loaf of bread. And his gramma was probably wondering where all her bread went.
At least I'm pretty sure that's how the story went. It was many years ago that I heard it. I just thought it was so funny and sweet. So now when I eat cold toast and tea, I think of that story. And I think of Canada.
The end.

RIP Junior

2009-10-25T19:20:00.000-07:00

So last night James found a baby mouse in his room. We felt really bad for it because it's parents had already been killed by mouse traps...so it was an orphan baby mouse. James brought it over to my house this morning and I squealed in delight. It was so smalllll!! And so sweet and cute and wobbly. James had put the mouse in a little bucket, which we then put close to my space heater in my room to keep the mouse warm. It was so cute because the mouse would press itself against the side that was closest to the heater because it was the warmest. My roommate decided we should name it 'James Junior' or just 'Junior' for short. We didn't know how long it had been since Junior had eaten, so we headed to the store and bought some infant formula and a medicine dropper. While feeding Junior...I think he drowned. I guess we just didn't give him enough time to breathe between drinking. I cried.

And thus concludes the adventure of James and my first child. RIP James Junior. We loved you.

BAHHHHH!

2009-10-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

I have auditions todayyyyyy!

And I'm procrastinating because my agency didn't give me a set time to go this first one (that's right...TWO auditions today!) and I'm nervous so...blog.

This first audition is for a 'vampire comedy' flick and I'm auditioning for a Sorority girl. Well...two Sorority girls...because I'm ambitious. Here's the thing: I have NO idea how to dress like a Sorority girl. The idea that I have in my head is like a Mean Girls/Gossip Girl mix. Annnnnd guess who doesn't have clothes that even CLOSELY resemble that?
Oh well. One does the best one can, yes? *elitist laugh*

...That was me getting into character.

Ok, not really.

But this IS me going to shower now. WISH ME LUCK!!!

Life Is Beautiful

2009-10-11T23:00:00.000-07:00

So I went into this weekend with sort of a poor attitude. I was grumpy because this is the first time in 10 years that I have been in the States for Canadian Thanksgiving and I was none too pleased about having to wait until the end of November for the American one. I was grumpy because Chili's have been punks to me ever since I went to my orientation. The woman that interviewed me that said she liked me? She told me to bring in my schedule for October so we could work out any schedule conflicts because she knew I was still at Green Street. So I walk in on the day of my orientation and she says to me and the other girl there, "Ok well I have a conference call, so just watch these videos." We sat there for about an hour half-watching training videos just by ourselves. When she came back, we discussed the training schedule she had made for us and the conversation went like this:
Her: Okay, so do either of you have anything that conflicts with this schedule?
Me: Um yeah...I have to work this day and this day.
Her: *scoffs* Well. When are you finished at Green Street?
Me: Well...I'm not quite sure because I was thinking that I could still work a couple -
Her: Are you saying that your availability has changed?
Me: No...
Her: Because if your availability is not what you listed on your application then we need to re-negotiate your employment here.
Me: No, it's the same as what I listed.
Her: *SIGH* When's the LAST day you will work at Green Street?
Me: Uh...Friday I guess.
Her: So you'll be available to start training beginning on Saturday?
Me: Yes.
Her: I have over 50 applicants a week applying for your job, you know.
Me: Yeah.
Her: I can give you 1 day a week to work at Green Street if you REALLY want to stay there. But I think you'll like it better here.
End of conversation. There was nothing else discussed throughout the rest of my orientation about when I would come in for training, what time, etc. So on Friday I called them and spoke to a manager that I've never met and the conversation went like this:
Me: Hi my name is Emma and I'm a new hire. I told the General Manager that I'd be able to start training on Saturday but I don't really know when she wants me to actually start...
Him: Oh yeah we were talking about you today. She told me that everything had already been worked out.
Me: She did? Because we never discussed when I would come in or anything.
Him: Yeah she said you'd just come in and work 5 nights in a row.
Me: Oh. We never talked about that.
Him: Well why don't you just come in tomorrow and you can start the 5 nights?
Me: Ok....thanks...
So somewhere in the middle of being treated like one in a herd of cattle and having decisions made for me, I decided that Chili's is just not my cup of tea.

That is the layout for why I went into this weekend with much grumpiness.

However, as has been demonstrated in previous years, God always has a way of reminding me of what I'm thankful for.
Today James and I decided to go out for lunch. He asked where I wanted to go and I said I didn't feel like making decisions today, so he could choose. We ended up going to a place called Mimi's Cafe, which the both of us have been wanting to try. Perusing through the menu, one item caught my eye: "Turkey Plate (Have Thanksgiving any time!)" I excitedly pointed it out to James and we both decided to get it. When I gave the waiter our order I added, "Because it's Thanksgiving in Canada and that's where I'm from!" He smiled and wished me a Happy Thanksgiving. He wished me a Happy Thanksgiving again as he brought our plates out. He said it again when he came back to make sure the food was good (It was! There was tons of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, and veggies). Again when he brought out our check, and one more time before we left. I smiled throughout the entire meal, so happy to be able to have my turkey dinner! I even took a picture of it, before I started eating.

When I got home tonight, I checked my Facebook and saw that a girl that I've been best friends with since we were 8-years-old had her baby a couple days ago and she had a posted a picture of the little guy. I was so absolutely delighted, I squealed. I am beyond happy for her!
I picked up my phone to text my mom and let her know about the baby, and I saw that another girl that I've been best friends with since the 2nd grade had called and left a voicemail. In her message she said she had some good news. She and her husband have been trying to get pregnant for about a year now so I was immediately filled with hope. I called her and asked her what her good news was. It was what I was hoping for! I literally screamed and jumped up and down. We talked for about 3 hours about everything that's been going on in our lives. I told her this has been the best day ever and I feel so fulfilled because my friends are so happy.

It really has been one of the best days ever. Full of happiness, free from worry, and full of life!

Life Smife Fife

2009-10-01T22:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's weird living in the state that I grew up in. I'm going back to visit my home town tomorrow, which I'm very excited for, but it all feels so strange now. I feel like my 14 years in Kanab was an entirely different life. And really, it was. It was an entirely different lifestyle; different attitude. But now it feels strange to be going back to visit that life after living such a completely different one.
Most of the time I feel like I have multiple personalities because they have to match the different places I've been.
I spend a lot of time thinking about what life would be like if I had stayed in Kanab and gone to High School there, instead of moving to Canada. Would I have been a Cheerleader? Who - if anyone - would have asked me to Homecoming? To Prom? There's a lot of little things that I feel sad about missing out on. Like the way guys in Kanab asked girls to dances. They didn't just call them up and say, "Uh hey yeah...I was uhhhhhh.....*aherm* UHHHHH just wondering...if....you'dliketogotothedancewithme?" They'd do really cute things like go and decorate the girl's rooms with balloons and streamers and a note asking them to the dance, or something like that. I feel really sad that I missed out on that. But maybe no one would have ever asked me...and I would feel more sad about that.

Canadian Thanksgiving is soon. I don't want to wait until November for turkey. Boo.

I miss Pumpkin Spice Donuts from Timmies.

WOO!

2009-09-27T16:21:00.000-07:00

I got the job at Chili's! WOOOOO!!

The woman who interviewed me was super nice and she said, "I'm so glad that I like you! We've been hiring 2 new servers a week, to prepare for October since it's our busiest month. But the other server I hired this week, I thought, 'Oh that's too bad. I don't really like you.' So I'm very glad you're here!"
I have orientation on Thursday :)

AND as I was walking out of the restaurant, this gay guy that I've never met said to me in passing, "You look very pretty today!"

WOOOOOOO!

It's Thursday!

2009-09-24T16:15:00.000-07:00

Which means it's almost Friday! AND it's measure and weigh day!

Weight: 142 (boooo...I blame it on lady things)
Total Overall Inches Lost: 8.5

Also, I would like to add that - when I started - my scale said my Body Fat Percentage was 30% and now it's down to 28%. Woo!
I just have to work on drinking more water. I'm a terrible water-drinker. I don't like it. But I know that water is good for all sorts of stuff. Like...your body. And I heard that drinking more water helps lessen migraines? I'll hafta do some research on that, because for 1 or 2 weeks of every month I get these crazy bad migraines. And I know what's to blame. Stupid lady things. *sigh*

Anyway! Enough of that. I've been handing out resumes at various restaurants, and I'm pretty hopeful of getting another job soon! I handed in an application at Chili's and spoke to one of the managers. He had me come in the next day to take this test (you have to take a test to work at Chili's...as a server anyway), which I passed! So now I'm just waiting to hear from him because he's going to set up another interview for me with a different manager. I've got my fingers crossed!
WHOAH! The guy just called me and I have an interview on Sundaaaayyyyy! Sweet!

I finished scanning all of my old pictures, now I just have to run them through Photoshop to get all the dust specks off them and stuff. I'm so happy to have them on my laptop!

Well...until next time!

Oh BOY!

2009-09-21T16:01:00.001-07:00

Guess what I'm doing RIGHT NOW?!

Scanning old pictuuuuuures!!! That's right! I brought back a crapload of my old pictures from High School and stuff with me, when I went to visit Canada. So now I'm borrowing James' scanner and scanning my little heart out! You have no idea how much joy this is bringing me :) I didn't bring back any REALLY old pictures, like from my childhood. Just stuff from High School. But that's still pretty good! I'm just so happy to be able to have all these pictures that I've had hanging around for forever on my laptop! Here's one:

That's me in Grade 10, at the thrift store right across from my High School. I think this was taken during exams when my friend Michelle and myself had some free time in between tests and needed to de-stress. I know, I'm pretty cool right?

Yeahhhhhh........

Guess what yesterday was...?!

2009-09-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

MEASURE AND WEIGH DAY!
It's been a full week since I started this Herbalife thing, and so far I must say I'm pretty darn pleased with the program. And I have to pee less than I did when I started. That's nice.
Weight: 139
Total Overall Inches Lost: 5
2 pounds and 5 inches in a week is not too shabby! Now I measure and weigh every week so we'll see what kind of progress I make. I can't lie, though. I'm REALLY excited because my weight hasn't been in the 130s since I was a teenager.

Aaaaaaanyway.

I was reading through my old posts on here and I gotta say...I was a very sad little being. And very profane. No wonder nobody read those things! So sad and angry.
I also think it's really funny how much I praised my University roommates, because my last couple of months living with them ended up being some of the worst months OF MY LIFE. Evil girls. Evil, consistently drunk and high girls. A few of my friends can testify to their evilness too.

I just realized that I have nothing else really to say. OH!

The sky was AMAZING yesterday! The sun was starting to set and there was a thunderstorm brewin' so the clouds were amazing. I took a picture! Let's see if I can show you...

Yay! Hopefully you can see that. It was a pretty fantastic sky. I love the skies here.

Welp...that's all I've got for today.

Wellity Wellity Wellity! Looky hurr...

2009-09-16T01:30:00.000-07:00

It was suggested to me some time ago that I take up this blogging business again. I thought that nobody read this, hence my severely long absence. WELL NO MORE!
Since the last time I blogged, a few things have changed:
1. I live in a different country. Some would call it the better or worse country. A country that is being run by a President who's last name starts with 'O' and ends in 'bama'. Let's not get started on that.
2. I have a job that's NOT in daycare. But I think there's still the same amount of bodily fluids involved.
3. I have a boyyyyyfrieeeeend. His name is James and he's pretty great. So...if you hear the name James...that's who I'm talking about.

Oh geez, I feel like I'm 15 again and writing in my diary! As my new (and fantastically awesome) roommate would say: Aw! Tender!

Ummmm....
so.

What to blog about.

OH!

I started this new diet kinda thinger called Herbalife. Surprisingly, it doesn't involve smoking copious amounts of weed. As not fun as that would be. This girl at my work is on it and she said she used to be a size 13 and now she's a size 4. So I suppose I could document my experience with it on here.
It'll be like the American Boring Bridgette Jones.

When I started the program last Thursday I weighed 141 lbs. When I weighed myself 3 days later I was 141. BUT! My scale also has a Body Fat Percentage Measuring Thing and I went from 30% to 29%. And we're supposed to measure like...a billion different places on our body to track our 'inch loss' and I've apparently already lost 1.5 inches total. But I feel like that could just be inaccurate measuring on my behalf.
I've also noticed that I have to PEE. Like...ALL. THE. TIME. Lots of peeing. It's practically all I do now.

Oh God, no one wants to read this.

P.S. That James guy that I mentioned took that picture that's at the top of my blog. Of the pretty sunset. He also has a website: Mastermindesigns
It's a little under construction so...yeah. But go visit it! And then tell everyone you know! Then tell everyone you don't know.

Don't call me sexy

2008-06-18T23:47:00.001-07:00

When I was 14 and had just moved to Canada, I had a shocking experience. While enduring my daily harassment on the bus to school, I heard 2 words that had never been uttered in my direction before that day: "You're sexy." It took me a good couple of minutes to process what had just been said. I was 14 and the new kid with braces, baggy jeans, grown-out highlights, and a funny accent. In my mind, I was anything BUT sexy. Afterwards, I was extremely flattered and took it as the highest of compliments. At 14 I WANTED to be looked upon as "sexy" and kept that same goal for the next few years afterwards. After all, one of my favorite movies at the time was Playing By Heart (still is) and I looked upon Angelina Jolie's character as the ultimate in what I wanted to be when I got older. She went out dancing at clubs all the time, wore super cool (tight) clothes, fun makeup, and oozed sex appeal. She also got Ryan Phillippe's character to fall in love with her in the end. So what lesson did I take away from this movie? Wear tight clothes and ooze sex appeal and you too will get a very hot boy to fall hopelessly in love with you. And oh did I ever want someone to fall in love with me. When the time for having my first boyfriend came, I showed as much skin around him as a 15-year-old could get away with and went much farther with him than a 15-year-old should have. But I thought that sexy girls did these things and sexy girls were the ones guys fell in love with. And if I wasn't sexy, then he wouldn't love me. This process was repeated for the next several boyfriends afterwards.
Flash forward 9 years from that day on the bus, and now I know better. Now I know that I was treated as a sexual object because I portrayed myself as one. Hindsight is always 20/20. Now, at 23, I'm sick of being called "sexy", "hot" and all other forms of the word. I understand that, if you portray yourself as purely "sexy", men take it as a promise for sex. I'm sick of sex. That's all anyone ever talks about. I'm so sick of sex that I've gone back to waiting until I'm married. I am positive that my very small and absolutely horrible experiences with sex were God sending me that strong message. To wait until I am with someone who is actually head-over-heels in love with me. Who wants to wake up next to me every morning. Who thinks I am beautiful...stunningly beautiful...take his breath away beautiful. That man may call me sexy because he won't just be using me for sex.
You want to compliment me? Don't call me sexy. Call me beautiful, breathtaking, stunning, pretty or even cute. Tell me I'm funny. Tell me I have a great personality. Don't call me a word which implies that my total value as a person resides simply in parts of my body and suggests that the only terms in which you think of me are based on sex. Years from now, when my sex appeal is long gone and everything is wrinkled and hanging several inches lower, those comments about my sex appeal will be wasted. The compliments I will always hold dear will reflect my true beauty, which shines from the inside.
So don't call me sexy. It's so boring.

Learning To Breathe

2008-06-13T03:28:00.001-07:00

When I was young, mom signed me up for swimming lessons. I liked them well enough and always enjoyed playing in the water. When it was time for us to learn about swimming in the deep end, my instructor took us over and had us hang on to the edge of the pool while she talked about deep water safety. Instead of listening, my friend and I started to play a game of who could take their hands off the edge of the pool for the longest while still staying afloat. I lost. My head went under and I kicked frantically to try and raise myself to the surface. My heart started racing. My brain went into panic mode. I thought about what would happen if I died. Then, in one single moment, I felt a pair of strong hands around my waist and was lifted to the surface, taking in a breath that I felt I had waited years to fill my lungs with. The lifeguard who had saved me softly asked, "Are you ok?" Overwhelmed with embarrassment and relief, I nodded that I was. The whole ordeal couldn't have lasted more than 10-15 seconds, as my swimming instructor was still talking when I came back to the surface. Yet it felt as though I was under water for much much longer.
In a way, I feel as though I am still in that swimming pool. And instead of listening on how to swim in the deep end of adulthood, I played games instead. Now I feel like I'm drowning. Struggling to breathe. Struggling to save myself. I'm 23 and what have I done with my life? Others my age are married and starting families of their own. They're graduating from University and pursuing careers. They're falling in love. They're living on their own. I, however, am living with my mother. I'm working a part time job and looking for another so that I can support the both of us. I have a combined 2 years of post-secondary education with nothing to show for it. My soul aches with longing to find the one I'm meant for. I feel as though I am trapped in a pit of sorrow and poverty and am desperately trying to claw my way out. BUT. In the times where I feel like I'm about to drown, I feel God's strong arms around me and around my heart. He holds my heart in His hands when it feels too heavy for me to carry. He helps me to the surface where I can breathe. He is teaching me to swim in the deep end. It is the times where I don't trust God that I feel myself start to drown again. And every time He helps me to breathe again, I feel overwhelmed with relief...and embarrassment that I have forgotten again about His glory. Yet, no matter how many times I forget, God will always be there...loving me. What an extraordinary feeling: God's awesome love.

"I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall"
- Switchfoot: Learning to Breathe

HOLY SUPER AWESOME, BATMAN!!

2007-12-26T18:19:00.000-08:00

No, seriously!! It's BATMAN! Christian Bale is returning to play Batman again, along with all the original cast and a few new faces including Heath Ledger as the Joker!! EXCITING!

That's right, you're not from Texas. But Texas wants you anyway.

2007-12-20T08:51:00.000-08:00

I've decided that, at some point in my life, I'm going to live in Texas. After watching this video that was shot in Texas (Look at the beautiful sky. I dream of that sky. I dream of laying in a field under that sky.) and also realizing that Texas doesn't get snow, I have made my decision. I will live in Texas someday.
In other news, I go to Utah tomorrow!!! I am very excited to see my friends there. Also, I plan on visiting the daycare I worked at and seeing all my little guys whom I miss so very much.
Other good things:
A cute boy is supposed to be calling me today to hang out. I am very excited.
I just drank some chocolate milk. I love chocolate milk.
I saw Enchanted last night again for the second time. It's my new favorite movie.
Amanda is coming to Barrie tonight!! Hopefully I'll get to see her.
Sweeney Todd is coming out soon!!!!! So so so so SO excited! Especially since I just saw the Toronto production.
Yes, friends, life is good. I am happy and content!

Cabbages and Kings

2007-12-03T00:40:00.000-08:00

My hand feels like it's perpetually asleep. I've tried shaking it around and everything. I think this means that I'm dying. If I died, would you come to my funeral? Ok...but would you cry?

WAHOO!

2007-12-01T14:57:00.000-08:00

I'M SEEING SWEENEY TODD NEXT WEEKEND!!!! Excitiiiiiiing!!!!! I downloaded most of the soundtrack and have been listening to it in preparation. DEAR GOD I'M SO EXCITED!